When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
