I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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