Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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