I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
