i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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