there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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