cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
