and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Randomize
