I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
