the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
