My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
