Sponge bath it is.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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