her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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