Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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