it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
