i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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