I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
