I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
