so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
