i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
