If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
