My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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