you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
