Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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