Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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