I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
