please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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