I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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