so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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