I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
