Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
