My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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