If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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