Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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