i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
