I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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