I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
