my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
