I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
