I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
