i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
