someone threw a dead crab at me
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
