so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He passed out mid-signature
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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