my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I will pee on everything he values.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
