Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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