Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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