Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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