I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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