well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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