my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I need moral support for this bender
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
