Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
